Dear literary magazine

I received today your kind notice that it’s time for me to renew my subscription.  Please accept my check, post dated to January 22, 2015.  That is only 493 days from now, which is how long you’ve had a story of mine without replying.  Given that time moves so slowly at your offices (but not, I note, in your witty tweets) I’m sure you won’t mind waiting 493 days to cash the check.

Also, please note that I have adopted your own no-simultaneous-submissions policy.  This means that I forbid you to cash any other checks before you cash mine.  I’m sure you’ll understand that it is very annoying for a subscriber to go through the effort of writing a check, investing all that penmanship, only to discover that you already have cashed someone else’s check.

Yours, for all these 493 days,


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